Do you hear what I hear? It's the sound of pop stars, howlingand fouling the songs of the season.
Five years after a batch of Top 40 regulars effervesced inholiday style for "A Very Special Christmas," a sequel has tumbleddown the chimney. The new album, again a fund-raiser for the SpecialOlympics, presents the sort of erratic mix that makes the CDprogrammer such a wise investment.
It never gets better than Tom Petty's opener, a cheery newcomposition called "Christmas All Over Again." The full-blown rockertreatment rarely works on a holiday tune, but Petty piles on bothproduction values and family values (on his relatives: "Yeah, I kindamissed 'em/I just don't want to kiss 'em."). This could be one forthe ages.
Cyndi Lauper pulls a Natalie Cole, dubbing herself into FrankSinatra's 1947 take on "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town," whilecountry's Randy Travis, who can do no wrong, comes close with hisoverlong rendition of that dumb "Jingle Bell Rock."
Then there's the pop-chart pretty boys Extreme, whose new song"Christmas Time Again" reeks with trite lyrics and missed notes. AndMichael Bolton makes a big Der Bungle trying to pull off a raspy"White Christmas."
But don't write off Debbie Gibson's "Sleigh Ride." Her voice,all pumpkin pie and wintry fairyland, is just what's needed for thischipper outdoor ditty.
Sinead O'Connor's finale of Bob Dylan's "I Believe in You" comesoff as a plea for redemption. Makes sense, I guess, in a season offorgiveness.
And now, a look at two dozen other new holiday releases.Because these reviews are based more on holiday spirit than artisticmerit, we're using a special Christmas-tree gauge instead of starratings. Four trees is tops. TRADITIONAL
Mel Torme, "Christmas Songs" (Telarc) (STAR) (STAR) (STAR)(STAR)
Believe it: This is the first-ever holiday album from the manwho wrote "The Christmas Song" ("Chestnuts roasting . . ." etc.).He's been waiting for the right time to cut this disc, and he seemsto have found it.
Man, does this thing cook! Just listen to how he slides fromsong to song in the opening medley. No jarring jumps, no clumsyoverlaps. He just moves along, flattering a fresh melody with thatlively, limber voice.
Torme also puts a bow on "Good King Wenceslas," Charlie Brown's"Christmastime Is Here" and his own classic carol, all to the deftaccompaniment of the Cincinnati Sinfonietta.
It's a sumptuous hour of music. Bing, Nat, Johnny - make roomon the shelf.
Amy Grant, "Home for Christmas" (A & M) (STAR) (STAR) (STAR)
Fans might be hoping for something called "Baby, Baby Jesus," butthis will do. The second holiday disc by the queen of Christiancrossover peaks with a sweet "O Come All Ye Faithful," embellishedonly by guitar and choirboys. Low point: Grant's wispy, pointlessattempt at "For Unto Us a Child Is Born," from Handel's "Messiah." Russ Taff, "A Christmas Song" (Sparrow) (STAR) (STAR)
Another contemporary Christian favorite, this one making hisbid to be a Harry Connick-like crooner. He sings the standards in ashaky, overemoting voice that varies little from tune to tune. Thewedding-reception arrangements don't help.
The Manhattan Transfer, "The Christmas Album" (Columbia) (STAR)(STAR)
Didn't these guys used to be jazzy? You'd never know it fromthis zipless set, which refuses to pick up the pace. The harmonizingquartet drags in Tony Bennett to front "The Christmas Song," but eventhat rendition can't hold an Advent candle to the one on Bennett'sown beautiful (and bargain-priced) Christmas collection. Neil Diamond, "The Christmas Album" (Columbia) (STAR)
This just wasn't meant to be. COUNTRY Travis Tritt, "Loving Time of the Year" (Warner Bros.)(STAR)(STAR)(STAR) 1/2
This guy sets a rowdy tone right from the "Winter Wonderland"opener. When it comes to time to answer the "Are you married?"inquiry with "No, man!" Tritt squeals it like he means it.
There also are grins to be found in Tritt's own title song ("Weget caught up in the season/And smile for no good reason") and hiswild reworking of "Silver Bells." But for some real fun, put thekids out of earshot and turn on the Buck Owens/Don Rich raveup "SantaLooked a Lot Like Daddy." Garth Brooks also covers this one, butTritt sounds plenty more gleeful as he shoots the Kris Kringle legend to hell.
Doug Stone, "The First Christmas" (Epic) (STAR) (STAR) (STAR)
No chestnuts here. The country stylist nicely bends his voicearound 10 new songs, all solid Nashville fare. His delivery vergeson mawkish at times, but it's always from the heart. Garth Brooks, "Beyond the Season" (Liberty) (STAR) (STAR) 1/2
Shameless is right. By now, country's megaman knows just how touse that little crack in his voice, and these songs seem to beg forit. There's both old and new, mostly gentle retellings of Messianicbirths in low places.
Naturally, he slathers on schmaltz like frosting on agingerbread man, relating a hokey personal story midway through"Silent Night" and sharing vocal duties with his songwriting pals on"The Friendly Beasts." No one can doubt the appeal, though, when heputs his twang to work on "What Child Is This?" Riders in the Sky, "Merry Christmas from Harmony Ranch" (Columbia)(STAR) (STAR)
What is it about "Silent Night"? These guys also feel obligedto jabber over their big finale. On the way there, the cowboy triosticks to a leisurely trot, never really breaking into a gallop.Their prairie harmonies vary only on a couple of comic-reliefnumbers, and on a likable "Silver Bells" duet with Kathy Mattea. FOR KIDS Tom Paxton, "A Child's Christmas," (Sony) (STAR) (STAR) (STAR)(STAR)
The old folkie proves why kids' music has been very, very goodto him. Paxton sings of cookies and candy canes and neckties in avoice that's earnest and soooo easy on the ears. The peaceful yetpeppy arrangements capture every bit of a youngster's pre-holidaypalpitations.
Every song (except "Jingle Bells") is a Paxton original,including "The Marvelous Toy," a delightful perennial now amusing itsthird generation of youth. This album is every parent's chance toteach a kid how it went "whirrr! when it stood still." Hap Palmer, "Holiday Magic" (Kid Rhino) (STAR) (STAR)
An innocuous voice sings innocuous songs, backed up by achildren's chorus that came in a can with a generic label. Dan Crow, "Santa Songs" (Sony) one-half tree
His wise guy voice isn't all that bad: sort of like FredSchneider of the B-52's. But in checking his list, we find Mr. Crowhas been more naughty than nice. His song "Santa Claus in Santa Fe"comes with some badly Anglicized Spanish, and the scriptedinteraction with kids has one girl musing that Rudolph's red nose is"a zit."
Worst of all, his mid-song monologue in "I Saw Mommy KissingSanta Claus" pretty much demands that kids quit believing in the bigguy. Is this what you want your child listening to? INSTRUMENTAL Mason Williams, "A Gift of Song" (Real Music) (STAR) (STAR) (STAR)
The sincere tunes from this classical guitarist succeed wherethe Mannheim Steamroller collections get annoying. His ever-shifting"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" (laced with bits of "Carol of theBells") and "What Tune Is This?" (which makes "What Child Is This?"sound like Williams' 1968 hit "Classical Gas") should go perfectlywith your tree-raising and fireplace-gazing. The worst fumble: anout-of-place steeldrum and flute number called "Santa's Holiday." Nowonder it's the CD bonus track. Richard Stoltzman, "Hark!" (BMG Classics) (STAR) (STAR) (STAR)
The classical clarinetist moonlights in his lite-jazz mode,leading a solid lineup heavy on Eddie Gomez' bass and Dave Samuels'vibes. The prettiest point comes with "Silent Night," featuringwide-open vocals from Allen Pinkney of the Boys Choir of Harlem.
John Boswell, "Festival of the Heart" (Hearts of Space) (STAR)(STAR) 1/2
Boswell noodles around on the piano, joined at times by a littleflute and percussion. Pleasant, but little more than musicalwallpaper. "The Narada Christmas Collection, Volume 2" (Narada) (STAR) (STAR)
It's an elevator Christmas from this New Age label. Fifteenartists perform 15 mostly acoustic songs, none of which makes anysort of impression. Do not play if operating heavy machinery. John Tesh, "A Romantic Christmas" (GTS) (STAR) (STAR)
The "Entertainment Tonight" co-host's piano tends to get drownedout by shrieking strings and choristers. He also produced thisalbum, suitable for people who miss "beautiful music" radio andsettle for WNUA instead. ET CETERA "The Alligator Records Christmas Collection" (Alligator) (STAR)(STAR) (STAR)
From Chicago's own label comes a straight ahead collection withall the emotion and repetition you expect from the blues. Fourteenacts specially recorded these numbers from the heart ("One ParentChristmas," by Saffire - the Uppity Blues Women) and from the Women)and from the groin ("Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'," by TinsleyEllis). You gotta like Katie Webster's off-the-beat vocals in "Deckthe Halls with Boogie Woogie" and Lonnie Brooks' lively tempo in"Christmas on the Bayou." Extra points also for the prettiestpicture disc of the season, with a wreath-wearing gator embossed inred and green. Sounds of Blackness, "The Night Before Christmas . . . A MusicalFantasy" (Perspective) (STAR) (STAR) (STAR)
This is what you call Christmas with an attitude. The 40-memberMinneapolis ensemble, produced by starmakers Jimmy Jam and TerryLewis, lays down rich songs from all walks of black musical life.Working their way through the "Visit from Saint Nicholas" poem, theyfirst give Santa praise that seems more fitting for the Christ child("The Jolly One's Here"), and then dis him for running around atnight ("Santa, Watch Yo' Step"). And a few classics fit in, too,notably a disco-gospel version of "O Holy Night." Mojo Nixon (above) and the Toadliquors, "Horny Holidays" (TripleX) (STAR) (STAR) (STAR)
This is not your father's Christmas record. In his unholysendups of holiday favorites, the clinically inane rocker sounds evenmore ragged than usual. "Silver Bells" takes two tries (even then hehas to hum some lines), and "Good King Wenceslas" has little morethan the title and a lot of "la la la la la." Give him credit,though, for finally putting the classic "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells"lyrics on disc, and for reverently growling the carol he was meant todo: "Mr. Grinch." Vince Vance and the Valiants, "All I Want for Christmas Is You"(Waldoxy) (STAR) (STAR) 1/2
Goofy rock release has some early '60s flavor, some melodicarrangements and some excellent female harmonies, notably on theknockout title song. Be sure to skip over the grating ditty "Can'tWait Till Christmas Day," which blends noisy children with Vance'sPee-wee Herman-like voice. Blecch. "Alligator Stomp, Volume 4: A Cajun Christmas" (Rhino) (STAR)(STAR) 1/2
We must congratulate the Jambalaya Cajun Band for creating thefirst listenable version of "Up on the Housetop" (it's in French,concealing the awful lyrics). This collection also includesBeausoliel waltzing through "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear," and atwo-step take of "Joy to the World" - both worth a listen. But am Ithe only guy who thinks Cajun music wears thin in a hurry? Brave Combo, "It's Christmas, Man!" (Rounder) (STAR) (STAR)
The rollicking quartet starts strong with a polka version of"Must Be Santa," but their mutated carols quickly degenerate intoWeird Al Yankovic-style novelty. However danceable, the sambas,cha-chas and waltzes ultimately feel faux.
"Mas! A Caribbean Christmas Party" (ARChive) (STAR) (STAR)
Thankfully, this balmy batch of island carols comes withthorough liner notes. Most Americans wouldn't know what to make ofthe inside-out "Deck the Halls" sung by Jamaica's Jacob Miller, orthe "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town" grunted by Bahamian Joseph Spence(he makes Tom Waits sound like Neil Sedaka). The "ho-ho-hos" do seemat home in Machel Montano's "Soca Santa," but most of this stuffsounds very little like Christmas.
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